Men hate apples but love pears, according to new research from the International Pear Bureau (IPB).
The wide-ranging study – the fifth in an infinite series trying to prove that pears are somehow ‘better’ – asked one man (Alan Perry) who was found eating a pear in a pear orchard.
Among the key findings was the fact that he reckoned he ate at least one pear a day, but couldn’t recall the last time he had eaten an apple. His general pear awareness was 79.9%, compared with only 41% generated by apples. However, the research did find that the man thoroughly enjoyed pies in which apples and pears had been combined and integrated with sugar and pastry, although not labeled as such. These ‘pear’ pies were found to satisfy him more effectively (some 89% vs. a 61% average for an apple or a pear eaten in isolation).
The research studiously ignored all other, more rigorous research that proved the opposite, whilst also showing how popular and delicious pears are.
Apples did fare better in generating apple awareness, resulting in an 100% uplift when the man was shown an apple and asked what it was. When shown a kumquat he wasn’t so sure, and was only 7% aware.
According to IPB director of research and strategy Sheila Morris, pears are more cost-effective in terms of both percentage uplift points and ‘personal pear penetration’ (PPP).
“We’re going to keep pumping this nonsense out until no one eats apples,” said Morris. “I love pears and my shareholders love pears and we can’t conceive of a world where ‘traditional’ apples still matter. What we saw in our sample was conclusive proof that apples and pears can co-exist but I think we all know the way the wind is blowing. There’s a wind of change and it smells of pears.”
Warming to her task, Morris went on: “What this effectively means is that, if you want fruit, you want a pear. End of. We’re hoping gullible fruit buyers won’t read beyond the headline and will swallow this whole and without interrogation.”
Responding to the new research, a spokesman for the Apple Council said: “It is a shame that the IPB feel they have to keep doing this sort of thing. We appreciate pears too. It helps no one except themselves. It lowers standards in fruit research generally and could ultimately lead to less fruit overall being consumed. There are lots of incredibly valuable and robust research studies out there that offer real insights. As an industry we should guard against these rotten pears contaminating the barrel. It was nice to be asked for our opinion, though, before this article was published, rather than having to respond after the event.”
Alan Perry took part in a survey of three questions plucked largely out of the air. He is 37 and works in the pear orchard in which he was found.
(All characters and organisations depicted in the above are, as far as we know, fictitious. The research issues are real.)